Future Reflections                                                                                Volume 20, Number 1

(back) (next) (contents)

Asking for Help and Taking Responsibility

by Noel Nightingale

     Editor�s Note: Noel Nightingale, a member of the National Board of the National Federation of the Blind and President of the NFB of Washington, set the tone and philosophical theme for the NOPBC activities in her keynote address at the general session of the 2000 NOPBC Annual Parents Seminar. Here is what Noel had to say about �Asking for Help and Taking Responsibility�:

Noel Nightingale and her daughter, Leila Nightingale Peterson
Noel Nightingale and her daughter,
Leila Nightingale Peterson.


     Jim, my husband, and I have a friend who I will call Gemini. He is from the Democratic Republic of the Congo, Africa (formerly, Zaire). He came to this country on a student visa. However, after he had attended college for a year, his country was taken over by a group of rebels. His father was a diplomat who was highly placed in the former government and had to flee the country for his life. No longer receiving financial assistance from his family in Africa, Gemini had no money to pay for school. He dropped out but stayed in the country anyway. Since he was no longer a student, his visa was not valid. He became anillegal alien.

     Gemini is a Christian and began staying rent-free in the homes of people in his congregation. He stayed in one place for a few months, then another Christian would take him in. Various church members have been working with him to help him find ways to earn money and to straighten out his immigration status. They also work with him to integrate him into social circles and meet people his own age.

     Jim met Gemini when Gemini was about twenty years old and two years after he had dropped out of college. Gemini is a charming person with a sympathetic problem. He does not want to return to his country, which is in turmoil, because he believes that he would be drafted or, more likely, killed (due to his father�s association with the ousted government). He has lost contact with his parents and siblings in Africa. Although he recently began communicating with a sister who lives in France, she does not have the resources to help him.

     Jim and I agreed to take Gemini in for two months. We set a strict time frame for his stay and spoke with him about getting his immigration status legalized by applying for political asylum. We found an attorney who was willing to work with him on a pro bono basis and encouraged him to make a plan for his life. But, at the end of two months, Gemini had not made any progress in resolving his immigration status. Although he would always nod his head in agreement, he did not follow through on any of our suggestions for steps he might take. He did not work the entire time he lived with us, and he also did not help around our home. He never offered to wash the dishes, take the garbage out, vacuum the floor, scoop the cats� litterbox, or do any other tasks that he watched us do on a daily basis.

     Two years later (and four years since he dropped out of school), Gemini has not resolved his immigration status. In fact, he has waited so long to address it, he has probably lost any chance of obtaining political asylum. We occasionally see him�he always accepts our offers to take him out to lunch or dinner. He earns some money by tutoring children in French but lives rent-free in a church member�s home. The church member is in her eighties, and her daughter is so fed up with his free-loading that she called Jim to get him to eject Gemini out of her mother�s home (which Jim did not and could not do).

     �Accept all help that is offered.� That was the advice I frequently received to endure the first few demanding months after I gave birth to my daughter last year. That is also the precept that Gemini unconsciously lives by. That is also the advice that blind people repeatedly receive. However, unlike the temporary situation of caring for a newborn, the advice is given to blind people throughout their lives. I have noticed a pattern: if taken regularly, accepting this advice, and thus always accepting the help that is offered or available, will have adverse (if unintended) consequences.

     The advice to accept all help that is offered is not advice that is ordinarily given in our society. Our culture teaches us that we must be �independent� and not rely on others. We no longer come together to build our neighbor�s barn. Our neighbor builds it himself or pays to have it done. Contrary to our pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps culture, I can think of numerous situations in my daily life in which I am encouraged by others to let them do things for me because I am blind�things that I am capable of doing myself.

     On a daily basis, I am encouraged to let someone help me cross the street and encouraged to let someone direct me to my destination. I am encouraged to let someone else open the wine bottle and encouraged to let others pour the wine. I have been asked to accept handouts, solely because I am blind. The expectation that I need more help than my sighted peers is pervasive, and it affects me. Sometimes, out of laziness, I accept that help, knowing perfectly well that I don�t really need it. Then, I feel terrible. I feel marginalized and begin to doubt whether I really could have done it.

     Although at times it may not seem like it, there are many systems in place in our society specially designed to help us. These systems include health and welfare, education, rehabilitation, independent living, tax relief programs, social security and other income supports, specialized transportation, various subsidies, reasonable accommodations at work and in public places, and many more. Much of the time, these systems hand us things, without teaching us or enabling us to do for ourselves in the future.�

     For many who become beneficiaries of those systems, they become experts in squeezing everything they can get out of those systems. When I managed injured workers� claims for the state Department of Labor and Industries, we had a saying that people who were off work for a long period of time frequently changed professions from Worker to Claimant. Although they do not start out that way, they eventually become professionals at claiming things. Claiming time loss compensation benefits for being off work from their injury, vocational rehabilitation benefits for not being able to resume their former line of work due to their injuries, permanent partial disability benefits for not being able to fully recover from their injuries, pension benefits for not being able to perform any kind of work as a consequence of their injuries, and so on. They spend part of each day sitting on their sofa, picking up the telephone, and calling the claims managers to demand things.

     This is a phenomenon not peculiar to blind people, but because we have so many programs designed to help us and so many good people want to help us, it clearly happens to us too. There is something about these systems that encourages us to wring every little bit of benefit or entitlement out of them.

     To avoid becoming a Claimant, we must determine when we need to ask for help from systems or people and when we should take responsibility for our own lives. The general rule of thumb, I think, is to first be honest with yourself about whether you really need the help, or whether you could do it yourself, and if the answer is that you do need the help, determine how you could obtain that help in a way that will allow you to do for yourself in the future. I have not always avoided being a Claimant myself, but I can give you two examples in which I did for myself instead of asking for others to do for me and am glad I did so.

     First, when I attended law school, I decided not to become a client of our state vocational rehabilitation program. I could have become a client and persuaded the agency to pay for law school. Instead, I took out student loans and paid for the education myself. I figured that the loans were as available to me as they were to my sighted classmates, and I had enough confidence in my employment prospects to believe that I would be able to pay the loans back. However, after law school, when I decided to obtain training in the skills of blindness, I became a vocational rehabilitation client so that the agency could pay for my training (at the Louisiana Center for the Blind). This was a program that cost a lot of money for which loans were not available. However, completing the program would help me maintain my independence and do for myself in the future.

     Second, when I obtained my first legal job as a summer associate in a large law firm, I knew that I would need a reader to efficiently do my work. Since I was being paid a lot of money, I decided to pay for my part-time reader out of my wages. In this way, I showed my law firm that I really wanted the job and that I was willing to sacrifice for it. At the same time, I told my law firm that were they to offer me a permanent position, I would need a full-time reader paid for by the firm. But, in what was essentially a training period during which I was not making any money for the firm, I paid for the accommodation. I now work for that law firm and know that my willingness to pay for my reader made a favorable impression. In contrast, one summer associate submitted his dry cleaning bill to the firm for reimbursement because he had spilled on himself while at a work-related lunch (paid for by the firm). He did not receive an offer for permanent employment.

     When we do for ourselves, instead of relying on others, we gain the experience and we learn from the doing. We also gain confidence in our abilities, which continues to build each time we take on a new challenge. But if we consistently accept the assistance of others, we fall into a trap of not acquiring the experiences upon which our self�esteem and confidence are built. That is the trap that Gemini has fallen into. Never having to do for himself, his life has become a series of acquiring handouts instead of skills. He is not living up to his potential, and thus his life is mediocre. Unfortunately, I have also observed this pattern with many blind people. Constantly relying on the help of others, they never learn that they can do for themselves. If they were forced to do for themselves, they would learn that they can be creative and adventurous in problem solving; and in doing so, they would acquire skills that would allow them to flourish and live up to their potential.

     There is a direct correlation between how much help we accept and how satisfying our lives are. The good news is that the kind of help the National Federation of the Blind offers is the kind that blind people, and parents of blind children, can use to build normal, productive lives. We teach people how to do for themselves: how to live independently and how to pursue their goals.

     Scores of parents came to the 2000 NFB Convention in Atlanta eager to learn
from the NFB�and each other�how they can help their blind children, as
Noel said above, �do for themselves� and �live independently.�
Among those families were....

Bob and Debby Brackett of Florida with children Luk, Winona, and Daniel
Bob and Debby Brackett of Florida with children Luke, Winona, and Daniel.
Rogyn Herrera of California with son John.
Robyn Herrera of California with son John.
Susan Parsons of Missouri with children Jacob, Sarah, and Christine
Susan Parsons of Missouri with children Jacob,
Sarah, and Christine

(back) (next) (contents)