Ask Miss Whozit

Ask Miss Whozit

Braille Monitor
October 2012

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Ask Miss Whozit

From the Editor: From time to time Miss Whozit answers reader questions about etiquette and good manners, particularly as they involve blindness. If you would like to pose a question to Miss Whozit, you can send it to the attention of Gary Wunder, 200 East Wells Street, Baltimore, Maryland 21230, or email me at <[email protected]>. I will pass the questions along. Letters may be edited for space and clarity. Here are the most recent letters Miss Whozit has received:
Dear Miss Whozit,
I have been blind since age nine, and I will not tell you how many years ago I was nine, but rest assured, it was decades ago. I have a lot of experience traveling on my own. I am a confident traveler with both my guide dog and my cane. I am active on several boards and commissions. I work full time and spend every free moment hiking, running, climbing, etc. My older brother, who has known me all my life, shocked me last week when I went to board my plane. He was very nervous and agitated about leaving me at the curb and insisted on walking me inside to the check-in counter. I allowed him this big-brother privilege, but, when he wanted to get special permission to accompany me through security and to my gate, I became agitated. I kept my anger under control, but I was angry that he believed I needed this assistance. I left him at the check-in counter and went on my way by myself. I struggle with the general public’s not understanding the competence of blind people, but I try to give them the benefit of the doubt on the grounds of their ignorance. However, my own brother knows better!

I must be doing something wrong. Should I have insisted he drop me at the curb? Should I not let anyone help me a little bit for fear they will assume that they need to help a lot?
Please advise!
Frustrated
Dear Frustrated,
No, you have not done anything wrong, and yes, we have all been in the situation you describe. You have outlined one of several different but related problems of family adjustment.
When blind adults return home following successful adjustment-to-blindness training, parents, spouses, siblings, and close friends may have a rude awakening. The dependent, docile, insecure blind person who left home only months ago has returned waving a white cane or hanging on to the harness of a dog and expecting loved ones to let him or her stride off independently into traffic and who knows what other dangers. Frequently these well-meaning souls have been acting as sighted guide and have been part of a general conspiracy to pretend that blindness is not a fact of life. Suddenly a stranger comes home inhabiting a familiar body but behaving in new and uncomfortable ways.
With luck this situation is merely transitional. Resolving it takes patience and understanding on the part of the blind person, but family members and friends who truly want independence for the rehabilitated person, if confronted with tact and understanding and maybe even gentle humor, will recognize the inappropriateness of their behavior and rejoice in this transformation.
Family members who knew us when…but have not spent much time with us since we became adults, often behave the way your brother did. They know perfectly well, in theory at least, that we hold down jobs, travel independently, manage our homes and lives, and generally carry on our lives pretty much the way they do. But they haven’t observed us engaged in the daily conduct of these activities. Their experience is of us as children or untrained young people. Even when they have observed us from time to time running after a toddler or flying home for Christmas, they are inclined to revert to the more familiar and more comprehensible memories of the old days. Unless adults, blind or sighted, spend a lot of time with family members, parents and older siblings especially tend to stick all children or younger siblings into the pigeonholes of “Daddy’s little girl” or “kid brother.” This tendency is merely human nature, and no one solution will resolve the problem when independence is at stake. Sometimes humorously horrified indignation or teasing incredulity will call attention to inappropriate behavior and bring it to a halt. However, those who are oblivious of their intrusive behavior may need a serious talking to. For the sake of family harmony it is best to avoid anger or outrage if possible. Before resorting to swallowing your pride and accepting inappropriate assistance, Miss Whozit would suggest restricting the amount of time you spend with those who seem incapable of adjusting to the world as it is and not as the family member remembers it.

The third category of problematic family members and so-called friends are those who, to meet their own needs, insist on denying the blind person’s independence: put that cane away; you are walking with me. Sit down there; I’ll clean up the kitchen. If I let you do it, you’ll just make a mess. If calling attention to such tactless and inappropriate attitudes in a serious conversation does not lead to a good-faith effort to alter behavior, you should definitely limit contact with the person or, if that is not possible, explore opportunities for third-party intervention or counseling. Such attitudes are poison when a person is first moving into new-found independence, and it is an outrageous insult to a competent blind adult.

Dear Miss Whozit,
I have two incidents I wish to have you discuss. I have a blind friend who is a very nice person but talks constantly. When we go out to lunch or dinner together, she talks incessantly, even when the waitress is serving us. The waitress oftentimes tells us things like "The glass is above the plate; your silverware is on the napkin to your left." My friend continues her conversation as if no one but me were there. My tactic has been to make sure that I thank the waitress for every helpful comment, even if she overdoes it a bit. However, this hinting isn’t working. How should I handle this without hurting her feelings?
The other thing I would like you to comment on happened a few years ago when I was being trained on a computer program by a blind instructor. We went out to lunch, and, after being given our bills, my instructor asked me a question. "Just a minute," I said. “I'm figuring out my tip."
He said, "That's great! I've worked with some blind people who have told me that they don't have to give a tip because they are blind." I was totally blown away by that concept. What do you think?
Bewildered
Dear Bewildered,
Miss Whozit has also observed that the humanity of servers has escaped the notice of some people. Surely your friend recognizes that her meal is appearing, so it must be that she does not believe that civility requires her to acknowledge that fact. You are certainly correct that courtesy requires the two of you to stop talking while you are being served. Miss Whozit has been known to comment to an over-zealous server in gentle and lady-like tones that the geography lesson is not necessary. But, since some blind people appreciate receiving such information, one must decline it with tact. I doubt that your friend would be hurt by your saying, “Just a moment, Esmeralda, here is the server. We can continue our conversation when she is finished.”
As for the diverting notion that blind people are excused from tipping, Miss Whozit is shocked to her dainty toes that anyone is still using such an excuse. Blind people who are too strapped financially to leave a tip should remain home or frequent fast-food restaurants, where the order taker cum cashier does not expect a tip. The rest of us should be calculating 15 to 20 percent unless we receive poor service and adding that amount to our checks—like everybody else.

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