Riding in the Streets

Riding in the Streets

.The

Braille Monitor

March,

2004

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Riding in the Streets

by

Ramona Walhof

From the Editor: One

of the most prolific contributors to the Kernel Book series of publications

the NFB publishes to educate the public about what it is really like to be blind

is Ramona Walhof. Her stories often focus on her experience raising two children

on her own. This story appeared in To Reach for the Stars, the twenty-fifth

in the series. It begins with President Maurer's introduction:

Ramona Walhof lives

in Idaho. She is a longtime leader in the National Federation of the Blind,

having served both as a state president and a national officer. Her stories

have appeared in many previous Kernel Books. Here she writes about raising her

children as a young widowed single mother.

Ramona

Walhof with son Christopher and daughter Laura

I was a widowed single

mother with a son in kindergarten and a daughter in second grade. I was proud

of my kids, but I didn't get to do as many things with them in school as I would

have liked because I had to work. I was working for a rehabilitation agency

for the blind, and the job was pretty demanding. Sometimes I brought blind students

home with me for dinner and the evening. Sometimes I had activities at work

that meant I could not come home at the regular time. Other times there were

trips out of town. On the other hand, sometimes I could take my children with

me for activities with the adult students.

It

was important for these students (many of whom were newly blind and needed to

understand that they could return to a full and normal life) to associate with

blind people who were involved in their communities and doing the things families

do. I know that some of the students thoroughly enjoyed talking and playing

with my children. So my life was busy, and I was satisfied with it.

One

day I received a call from my employer. He asked me to go to a city about 100

miles away to testify in a custody hearing for Tony, another blind parent. I

had met this man, but I didn't know him well. He was divorced with four children.

He and his former wife had a co-custody arrangement; each had the children every

other weekend and part of the school week.

The

ex-wife was asking for full custody, saying that Tony's blindness made him less

able to care for the children than she was. I wondered how I could help, since

I knew these people only a little. My employer explained that the court needed

to hear how a single blind parent could cope. I didn't think my methods as a

blind mother were that different from what sighted people do, but I certainly

could try.

I

traveled to the location where the hearing was to be held the night before.

A breakfast meeting was scheduled with Tony, his attorney, and two other probable

witnesses. We were told that there would be three attorneys: one for Tony, one

for his ex-wife, and one for the children. We would not be permitted into the

courtroom until we were called to testify. I was not expecting this. I was hoping

to hear some of the questions to people before me. Each of us was questioned

by Tony's attorney, but he told us he could not predict everything the other

attorneys would ask. He just advised us to answer the questions as correctly

as we could. I hoped I could help because I certainly did not want any court

to decide that blindness by itself was cause for a parent not to have custody

of his or her children.

As

it turned out, I didn't have long to wait. I was the first to be called. I was

asked the standard questions about who I was and my family situation. I was

asked if I experienced any special problems because of blindness. I answered

that I did not drive but used other means of transportation. I said I did not

expect my children to do most of my reading. It was up to me to help them learn

to read.

I

explained that the year before I had purchased some used first-grade reading

books to help my daughter gain confidence in reading. She would spell the words

she did not know so I could help her with them. But first-grade readers repeat

the same word many times, and that helped her realize that she really was learning

to read.

By

the time of this court hearing, Laura had become quite a good second-grade reader.

Her teacher had never thought she was having problems, but Laura did. I don't

now remember all the things we discussed in that hearing, but they were not

complicated.

Then

the attorney for the children began to ask me questions. He asked how I handled

discipline. I explained that I tried to be consistent. If I told my children

that I would do something--something they liked or something they would not

like--I did my best to follow through. He pursued this. I told him I knew that

I had to be realistic. Once I told my son I would not let him play outside if

he did not clean up his room by the time I came home from work. He said, "You'll

forget." I thought about that for a minute, wondering how often I did forget

such things. Then I answered: "I could forget, but then I might not. Do

you want to take the chance?" He did not take the chance and went immediately

and did his assigned chores. It had nothing to do with blindness, I thought.

Then

I was asked how I supervised my children outside. I explained that much depended

on the relationship you have with your children. I said that of course I could

not watch them every minute, but nobody does that. My daughter wanted to ride

her bike all over the neighborhood, and I refused to let her ride in the streets,

thinking that she did not yet understand traffic patterns well enough and just

wasn't ready.

She

informed me that her friend Sarah rode her bike in the streets. That didn't

change my mind. Laura asked, "Why can Sarah ride her bike in the street,

but I can't?" All I could answer was, "because Sarah's parents make

Sarah's rules, and your mom makes your rules." Then the attorney asked:

Could I trust my daughter to follow the rules she was given?

I

explained to the court that there were many ways I might find out if she did

not. Her brother might let it slip. A friend might mention it. Laura herself

might say something that would tip me off. Other parents in the neighborhood

might say something. Laura tended not to want to take chances like that. While

I didn't believe it was impossible that she would test, I thought it unlikely,

and I was quite sure that (sooner or later) I would be told.

My

children had learned to take what I said seriously. I told them about the time

my son climbed on a ladder to the top of the garage and pulled off some of the

shingles. I don't believe he intended to damage the roof of the garage, but

when it began to leak, I first wondered whether water was running in under the

door. The kids told me it was probably rain coming through the hole in the roof.

They weren't being secretive about it. We all got to fix the shingles on the

garage roof.

I

told the court that, when my children were very small, they found it a privilege

to choose which can of vegetables or fruit we would have for dinner. If my children

had not wanted to do that, I would have labeled canned goods in Braille. Since

they regarded choosing as a privilege, I didn't take the time to label. I gave

some other examples, but I think what I said about riding the bike was the turning

point. The attorney for the mother had no questions for me. No other witnesses

were called. I was concerned about that, but Tony's attorney thought Tony had

won what he wanted, continued co-custody of his children. He turned out to be

right.

I

thought about that testimony and raising children. I hadn't taken the time to

read lots of books about child rearing. I hadn't had a lot of time, and not

as many were available in Braille and on tape as there are now. I hadn't had

the time to socialize with other mothers as much as I might have, because my

husband died when my son was four months old, and I had been working ever since.

I just did what seemed reasonable. I would do some things differently now, but

I tried to keep my cool and talk with my children about what they were thinking

as much as I could.

I

often thought I missed much of the information about what happened at school

because I came home every afternoon at least two hours after school was dismissed.

By that time the news from school was old for little children. I went to some

school programs, but not all of them. I did the best I could. Perhaps I did

not have the time to enjoy my children as I might have. But we had some very

good times. That is one of the reasons I am so glad now to have grandchildren.

My big job with them is to enjoy them, and I do.

When

Laura was eleven or twelve, she was permitted to ride her bike on streets that

were not too busy. She was as tall as I was. We bought a tandem bike and used

it for recreation and to run errands. By riding behind my daughter, I became

very aware of exactly how good her judgment was about traffic and street patterns.

I

arranged a special order to have brakes both in front and back of the tandem.

I also had the dealer put the gears on the back handlebar instead of in front.

The time came when that was not an asset, but at first I thought it would be

better for me to have good control. I was quite a bit heavier than my daughter

was, so I taught her to put her feet on the pedals while I pushed off to start

the bike. This is not the recommended way, but it seemed wise for us. Usually

the heavier person rides the front of a tandem bike.

I

wondered if Laura was too young, but we both enjoyed it, and we skinned our

knees only once--not too bad a record for as much as we rode that bike. I was

so cautious that my son preferred to ride on his single bike while Laura and

I rode the tandem. I didn't argue about it.

One

summer we joined a swimming pool so that both children could swim as often as

they liked while I was at work. They rode their bikes to get there and home

again. Only one of the streets between the house where they stayed and the pool

was heavily traveled, and they were instructed to ride on the sidewalk along

it. By this time Chris and Laura were in the fourth and sixth grades. They stayed

with a neighbor during the day while I was at work, but they were old enough

to have a little independence.

My

judgment was that they were responsible enough to ride in the streets and that

their desire to swim was strong enough that they would not jeopardize it. The

neighbor they stayed with had several children of her own, and they were most

happy to report on anything that occurred in the neighborhood. One always has

to consider the accuracy of such reports, but they can be useful if considered

together with other information. All this came about little by little and felt

right. Much depends on the individual children, but more depends on the relationship

between them and adults, especially their parents.

Did

I make mistakes? Of course I did. Still I am proud of my children. Both are

college graduates, have wonderful spouses, own their own homes, are working

in responsible employment, and are paying their own bills. I now have more flexible

time than they do, even though I lead a busy life.

When

to permit children to ride their bikes in the streets is a judgment call for

every family. That is probably something I wouldn't change if I had it to do

all over again. I think I understand better now why my testimony in that custody

case seemed to have made the difference. My message was that blindness isn't

nearly as important in child rearing as communication, relationships, and honesty.

I must have succeeded in getting that across to the court, and I haven't changed

my mind.

My

experience in the National Federation of the Blind has made it possible for

me and my children to regard blindness as a characteristic, not to be forgotten

or disregarded, but not to be a roadblock or a distraction from other things

either. Blindness is only one of my characteristics, and I hope not the

only

interessting one. Once the tandem was equipped the way we needed it, we never

thought about it. We just thought about where we were going and why.

_____________________________________________________________________________

Planned giving takes place

when a contributor decides to leave a substantial gift to charity. It means

planning as you would for any substantial purchase--a house, college tuition,

or a car. The most common forms of planned giving are wills and life insurance

policies. There are also several planned giving options through which you can

simultaneously give a substantial contribution to the National Federation of

the Blind, obtain a tax deduction, and receive lifetime income now or in the

future. For more information write or call the National Federation of the Blind,

Special Gifts, 1800 Johnson Street, Baltimore, Maryland 21230-4998, (410) 659-9314,

fax (410) 685-5653.

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